


Start at the Beginning and when you come to the End... stop!

by Naril



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: AU, Alice in Wonderland References, Alice is Grace's mom, Changing Tenses, Experimental Style, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Non-Linear Narrative, Other, POV Third Person Limited, Portals, Time Loop, Time Travel, Tragedy, Unreliable Narrator, bloody injury for a hot second
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 14:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13766514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naril/pseuds/Naril
Summary: AU The Hatter is trapped in Wonderland and for each useless hat, his head gets chopped off and sown back on again. But that isn't what drives the Hatter mad. Stuck in one moment in time, Jefferson meets Alice but it isn't the first time for him, though it is for her. He met her at his beginnings but she meets him after her own end.





	Start at the Beginning and when you come to the End... stop!

**Author's Note:**

> I re-watched OUAT Season 1 and 2 for the first time in ages and was so upset with the way they did away with Graham the first time around that I completely missed how intriguing Sebastian Stan's Hatter was. And then I remembered reading Alice in Wonderland so I just had to write this. 
> 
> I also wanted to play around with tenses and non-linear story-telling. I've also wanted to have a go at stable time-loop time travel. I'm not sure how coherent it is but then, if it isn't maybe that can just reflect how Jefferson loses it. 
> 
> Oh and suffice to say I'm ignoring the storyline from Jefferson's origin comic, OUATIW and also weaseled my way through some of the logic established in OUAT concerning 'Hat-travel'

***

Time did not move here. There was, in fact, a clock above the door that stood still. No, that was not right. The hands on it, at times, zoomed around, others they stood still, yes, that was right. 

Something poked at his palm, like an itch that needed scratching. When he lifted it, there was a scissor blade clean through the middle of his hand. It did not hurt. He was pretty sure something like this should be unbelievably painful. 

Blinking, he turned the hand so the metal gleamed in the sunlight. That did not change either. There was always sun poking through the windows, no matter how many times he pulled the curtains shut. 

The scissors reflected the sun right into his eyes, blinded him. Was there not something he was meant to do? 

Knocking on the door. Knocking? No, no, no, that was not right. There was never knocking and if there was someone behind that door, they would cut off his head again and he had only just managed to somewhat get a grasp on… on what again? 

***

_“I like your hat.” A gentle voice spoke from behind him where he had just snatched celluloid from a booth. His employer was keen on getting more of its kind and he always delivered. Even if he was still to figure out how he had managed to come to this world. He was yet to see any hint of magic and started to think that perhaps the rumours of this world without magic was no tale to scare little children after all._

_Turning to find a young woman with golden hair and a gorgeous smile, he was quick to give her a rakish grin and bow. “My thanks, fair lady.”_

_“Where did you get it?” She asked, stepping closer and entirely focused on his head, even reaching out for it. Before she could touch it, he quickly took it off, holding it to his chest with an air of playfulness to cover his instinctual reaction._

_“I’m afraid that must remain my secret.”_

_Her hand dropping, she looked at him properly and broke into a smile as if she had found a lost friend. “You’re so young.” She told him and was that not an odd thing to say to a stranger you struck up a conversation with?_

__

_“No younger than you.” He frowned, a little defensively (he was plenty aware of the fact that he had, what one of his employers called, a ‘babyface’ thank you very much), placing the hat securely back on his head with a flourish that made her laugh. It was unrestrained and lively, so different to that of the other ladies he had seen in this world._

__

_“May I have your name?” She asked, utterly intent on him and no one had ever looked at him like that; like he mattered more than anyone around them._

__

_“Jefferson, at your service.” He winked, tapped his hat and then made his escape when the booth’s owner found some of his product missing._

__

_When he had safely made his way into the rafters of the exhibition, he looked down, searching for a cobalt blue dress and blonde soft curls._

_Later she would find him herself, where he had hidden himself behind a teashop._

***

Work. 

Work, right. Right? Get it to work… 

He stared at his impaled palm again. How had that gotten there? Grasping it, the missing pain exploded as he ripped it out. A sound, like a wild animal wailing. Oh, right, that was him. 

Knock, knock… 

“Yes?” He croaked, dripping blood over his desk and that would not do, it would interfere, it would muck up the fabrics and stain the magic and… there was no magic! That was the problem, he had no magic, how could he possibly make this happen, how could he ever return to - to - 

“Hello? Are you the hatter?” 

He was pretty sure that high scream had been him and not the girl he found standing in front of the desk he was… standing on? Had he jumped on the desk? 

“I- I- I- well, yes.” He garbled the words but then he was mesmerised by the hair, the eyes and he had seen this child before, he had, he had! 

“G-Gracie?” He whimpered. 

She cocked her head to the side though she was still smiling gently at him. “My name is Alice.” She said quite reasonably. 

He swallowed against a too dry throat. She looked- , he had thought - how could - ? 

“You’re bleeding!” She came closer, in her blue dress, so blue… cobalt blue…reaching, reaching for his hand with her small pale one and he backed away further, fell off the table and into a pile of hats. It was suffocating. He tried to swim free but it only toppled more on top of him. 

“Go away! Go away!! GO AWAY!!!” He was screaming, he knew, knows… will know? And he should not. She is just a child, just a kid, just like - just like - No, can’t think of that, can’t allow himself to go down that road. 

The door slams and there is silence. Blessed silence. He breathes, face wet with tears he does not remember crying and stares at the ceiling. 

***

  


S _he smiled like the sun when he found her. He stumbled into the room, the old woman in the corner giving him a suspicious look but busying herself at the basin. It smelt of sweat and blood but he did not care._

_He had found her. The spell had worked, the deal had been worth it even if he had been playing with fire to do it._

_“You’re late.” She said and though she sounded exhausted, there was peace there in her brown eyes._

_He was on his knees beside her before his mind caught up with him. Her sweat-clammy hand was in his and he clutched it tight. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot! I missed you!” He was babbling but it did not matter because she pulled him in and kissed his cheek and then his lips._

_“I missed you too.” She said and laughs at his dumb expression when behind them a baby starts to crow. “You couldn’t have known.”_

_She kept laughing at him as he tried to wrap his head around the life she had gifted him with and he marvelled that she would put so much trust in a scoundrel like him when he had given her no reason to. He had not seen her in months, had only weeks ago realised that she was no longer at her father’s home._

__

__

_She had gone and followed him into his world before he had even known that he would want to find her again. Before he truly realised how much he needed her, wanted her, loved her._

_The moment she handed him his daughter was the moment he stopped doubting himself. Nothing else mattered anymore. It was like he breathed for the first time with them both in his arms, like all the puzzle-pieces of his life had slotted together._

***

Twice more he loses his head. The last time, someone not very talented, stitches it back on and it itches, oh it itches so badly. 

He moves his fingers, tries to focus on them in front of him where they lie, all ten in a row on the table. Still working. At least they move, at least he can keep trying, keep working, keep making these blasted hats and he is tired, has not slept for days, weeks, months, years? 

Time.  
Time.  
Time. He blinks at the clock. No, no movement today. Six o’clock, on the dot; always, always six o’clock - 

“I brought you food.” That voice again. This time at least he stays where he is, turns slowly and looks at the child. Yes, he can see it now. How he might mistake her for his Grace. The hair, the smile, the innocence but then the eyes are wrong. Grace has his eyes, his beautiful girl and they are blue and bright and this girl is roughly her age but her eyes are brown and soft and the skin too pale - Grace loves the sun, loves to run around in the woods and catch every small streak of light - 

And those eyes; these brown, warm eyes; they haunt him because,… because - 

“You need to eat.” The girl says, still in her blue dress, (cobalt blue, his mind whispers) still with that gentleness and strength. She holds a tray out to him with a bowl of soup and bread. There is tea too, a small pot and two cups. 

“Come, have tea with me.” She says and sits on a pile of fabric, placing the tray down on another as if it was a table. 

He blinks at the sight, mind blurring through moments he remembers well, of Grace and himself, of - of - 

***

_“Come, have tea with me.” She said and laughed at his scoff. “Humour me, love.” She gestured for him to take a seat on the table and brought over a pot of water before throwing in the leaves. Before he could marvel at the ease with which she said that four letter word, she is bustling off again._

“ _Try the cake, it should have cooled enough now.”_

_He watched as she set it down, the sponge a lovely yellow colour, the jam delicious and what had she called them? Victoria sandwiches? “You could make a fortune with those where I’m from.” He told her past a mouthful because his manners had never been very refined and it just tasted so damn good._

_She blushed and reached over to brush some cream from his lips only to lick it off her own finger. His ears grew red. “You’d have to take me with you for that.” She tells him, cheekiness flashing in her brown eyes._

_He paused, swallowed. “You know I can’t. One goes through the hat, one comes back out. I’m only visiting your world. And I only found you because it knows you…”_

_He stopped himself._

__

_She eyed him speculatively. “Because I have been to other worlds myself.”_

_He nodded, a little uncomfortable. She still refused to tell him where she had been before but his hat would not have opened a door to her home if there was not something of magic._

_“Well, find a way! My father wants to marry me off now that the book is published. I’d rather run away into another world before I have to run away in this one.” She gave him a smirk. “And you know I will find a way myself if I have to.”_

_Smiling at her stubbornness, he pulled her into his lap, drawing her into a kiss. “I’ll see what I can do. I promise, sweetheart.”_

***

“The Queen has left for her hunting lodge. You should take the time to take care of yourself a little.” The little girl tells him with the sincerity of someone twice her age at least. 

He sets down the crust of bread he has been gnawing on and stares at it instead, finds his hand shaking and clenches it into a fist, squishing the morsel. “I can’t. Have to find a way home.” 

“If time stands still here, then does it matter if you get some sleep?” She says, large eyes all innocence and care. 

He does not respond. Does not know what to say and then the door creaks open and he flinches because no, no, no, she just said the Queen is gone, they can’t - not again - not so soon! 

“Alice, dear child. What are you doing in here all the time?” The voice is not the Queens, not the guards and he sees large white ears and fluffy fur and wise eyes meet his. 

“You!” He breathes but the Rabbit does not pause. 

“You need to get to bed. I have strict orders to keep to your curfews and we shall.” He says to the girl who then glances at him with honest regret. 

“I’m sorry, Hatter. I will come back soon, yes? Please eat some more!” She squeezes his limp fingers and bounces towards her guardian in this world. 

“You.” 

The White Rabbit pauses and half-turns back to him. His gaze is full of pity. “She’s right, Hatter. Get some rest while you can.” 

***  
_He came to her realm as often as he could or so he told himself anyway. It was not quite true, he had been avoiding it lately, though he found himself thinking about it every single day. He missed her and should have returned far sooner._

_The truth was that he liked to roam and this feeling that kept tugging him back to her was not something he wanted to care for. It was too much, too huge and it was not something someone like him could ever deserve._

_Only this time, she was not home. The whole house was empty._

_“Looking for someone?”_

_He spun around at the voice to find himself face to face with the infamous White Rabbit._

_“What’s it to you?”_

_The White Rabbit rolled his eyes, adjusting his glasses. “She’s not here anymore. She asked me to take her to your world.”_

_He eyed the other portal jumper with some distrust. “Are you the one who took her to other worlds when she was younger?”_

_The White Rabbit narrowed his eyes at him. “Yes, I am. She released me from a snare when she was a child and has been a true friend ever since.”_

_Hesitating, he reached for his hat, contemplating it for a moment. “How will I find her?”_

_A twitch of the nose. “Do you truly want to?” The Rabbit gave him a careful look. “I will not allow you to play with her heart anymore and you have been gone rather long this time.”_

_He clenched his jaw, biting back any insult because even he knew he deserved this. But now that she was gone, he could not longer hide from the truth. He was an idiot but not that big of an idiot. “I do.” He said though he shifted a little uncomfortably, turning the hat over and over in his hands._

_A pendant was thrown his way then. Just barely catching it, he looked at the little key, intricately carved and on a delicate golden chain. He had seen her wear it every day. She had never taken it off._

_Cradling it carefully he looked up to see the Rabbit giving him a strange look._

_“Beware Wonderland, Hatter.” He said._

_“What do you-?” But when he looked up, he was alone._

_He would need to make some unsavoury deals to find her whereabouts, but he knew where to go, who to ask. Only one creature in the magical realms would be able to provide him with a reliable locator spell. The necklace would lead him to her._

***

“My fault, my fault, my fault. All my fault.” He whispers, sewing the last stitch into the hat. It was useless. It would not work. It never did. 

He pricks himself again, even through the callouses he had by now (through the bandages small, gentle hands had wrapped around his fingers) and sucks at the small drop of blood, when a tiny hand comes to rest on his trembling forearm. He twitches but he knows who it is. He had just thought of her after all. 

“What’s your fault?” She asks, looking at him with all this sympathy that he does not deserve, cannot bear, because here he is and here she is and - 

“She dies. She dies here and I can’t stop it. Can’t do anything and I - I should have just left her alone - I - “ He drags his eyes away from the useless piece of felt that is his newest creation and looks at her. His vision blurs, eyes burning. “I loved her - I love her… so very, very much but I cannot stop it.” 

He is on his knees before her, still almost at eye-height this way. She is too young, too innocent to be anywhere near a creature such as him. “I’m so sorry. So, so, so, so, so sorry.” He is sobbing and does not care. 

The girl is not shy. She never is. And so she wraps him in a hug as best her little self can. She shushes him, pats his back and when he calms a little, hands him a handkerchief. 

“I came to say goodbye, Hatter.” She tells him with so much regret, he feels it stab what remains of his heart. “Mr Rabbit says it’s time to go back home for me. He did promise to find a way to help you though!” 

Her smile is too much for him to bear but there it is, a tiny spark of hope that clears some of the fog clouding his mind. 

“Then I want to give you something.” He rasps, reaching for his collar, barely flinching as he brushes past the wiry threads holding his head in place. He sniffs, cannot meet her eyes anymore as he lifts the gold chain over his neck. 

“Have this to remember me by?” He half-begs and holds up the prized possession. He meant to give it to Grace when she is older, no, still means to; still clings to it but now he knows, knows that the pendant has another purpose. 

From the corner of his vision he sees her eyes widen in wonder. “It’s so pretty!” She breathes and reaches for it. 

She pauses. 

“Are you sure, hatter?” 

He nods, keeps nodding, cannot stop. “Yes, yes, it - I - it’s yours.” 

Another moment of hesitation. 

She takes it, smile almost as big as the cheshire cat’s. “Thank you, hatter!” 

She throws herself at him again. Another hug, this one with all her strength. 

A kiss to his cheek and now he cannot stop looking at her, marvelling at the child in front of him. He knows that his eyes are bloodshot again because they burn, oh how they burn. 

“I promise it will be alright!” She chirps. Around her neck, the gold key pendant glints in the sunlight that comes through the windows. 

***  
**“S-stop, love.” She will whisper, her face already drained of colour and so very, very grey. “Listen. I have- have to tell you something.”**

**Her cold, cold hand will cup his cheek, his own, though it will be covered in her blood from trying to save her, coming to meet it. His tears will drop onto her body where blood will continue pulsing from her heaving chest while she will fight for just a few more breaths.**

**“It’s - it’s not y-your fault. It ne-never was. Never… will be… Our daughter… needs y-you.” Her eyes will lose focus, pained smile on bloodied, blue-tinged lips. “I… never t-told you… th-that I- I knew…”  
An exhale. **

**No inhale.**

**Glassy eyes will stare into his; half of his soul will go with her.**

**“No!” He will choke,”No!” Shaking her, he will pat her cheek, lift her into his arms where she will slump like a rag-doll. “No, no, no. Come back!”**

**“Alice!”**

***

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I need to shout: I CAN EXPLAIN! But I really actually can’t… I just had this crazy idea … and I did this instead of sleeping…. whoops! 
> 
> 1862 - That year there was an international exhibition in London (the 2nd of its kind) (16) and Alice in Wonderland first told on a boat-ride so in case you are curious, that's the year Jefferson first meets Alice in her world.


End file.
